Tiger Woods loves Gatorade (because he’s paid to)

Tiger Woods is richer.  And tastes great too!

 

Tiger woods has landed a $100 million endorsement deal with Gatorade.  For the next five years, Tiger woods will be the face of Gatorade ‘Tiger.’  While no one is winning any awards for creativity as far as the name goes, the television spots are sure to garner attention.  Continuing with the “Is It In You?” campaign, Tiger will be sweating and bleeding the color of his namesake Gatorade.  When asked what color his blood is going to be, Tiger responded angrily, “God!  What is it with you people?  I’m multi-racial! …Oh.  Wait.  Uh, blue I think.”

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Also read about Paris Hilton’s new TV show 

 

Degeneres’ dog is safe (away from her)

 

Ellen shoud never own animals. Not even hermit crabs.

The dispute over Ellen Degeneres’ estranged dog, Iggy, is finally over. After Ellen gave the dog away to her hair dresser and 12 year old daughter, the animal adoption agency has striped the dog from them and placed it into another home. When asked for a comment on why they would object to Ellen’s choice of placement for her former dog, the animal shelter replied, “We felt that Iggy was in peril in the hands of lesbians and the friends of lesbians. Lesbians are known for being an aggressive breed, so we did what we had to do.”

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Read more about animal abuse: Paris Hilton loves wildlife

J. Lo’s “Brave” album tanks

America realizes she can’t sing

Maybe it was the time away from the limelight, maybe it was her Star Trek themed album cover, or maybe it was just her voice. But the Jennifer Lopez of the past is now officially just that. Her new album Brave won’t even debut in the top 10 when the numbers are released later this week. Even her Spanish language album debuted higher than Brave. So it’s official, J. Lo is no longer the out of sight starlet we once knew. Perhaps she can be a wedding planner or a maid in Manhattan because Selena is for sure rolling over in her grave. Clearly everyone’s had enough. Even Sir Mix A Lot’s anaconda don’t want none despite her buns… hun.

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Now read about J. Lo’s babies. Maybe they’ll be able to sing.

Paris Hilton’s New Show: “The Philanthropist”

She has much to offer starving children

In November, Paris Hilton will be leaving the country.  But don’t get your celebrity-obsessed panties in a wad just yet, the camera crews are following her around.  Again.  Paris tells the press that she is a new woman after her life changing stint in jail and wants to give back by spending time in Rwanda.  The reality show chronicling her journey through Africa is tentatively titled ”The Philanthropist.”  In other news, God is laughing from on high.

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Read more about irony:  Girls Gone Wild is sexist

 

Baby Dannielynn could owe $200K

 

Richard Milstein, who represented Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead during the dispute over Anna Nicole’s corpse, has filed a lawsuite for nearly $200,000 against the infant.  “I deserve that money.  That baby needs to fork over the dough or get a job.”  When asked how he felt about the lawsuit and how Dannielynn would come up with so much money with her inheritance kept in a trust fund, Larry Birkhead replied, “Damn.  Two hundred grand?  That’s a lot.  What’s the youngest you can be to model for Playboy?”

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Read more on the Anna Nicole circus:  Howard K. Stern’s Gay Love Affair

 

Britney Spears Wants The Spice Girls

The new Spice Girls album will not be available through traditional retail outlets.  If you want to get your hands on their new release, you’ll have to go shopping at your local Vicoria’s Secret.  This sends a clear message to the public about who the Spice Girls’ target demographic is and is not.  Clearly they aren’t expecting men or Britney Spears to buy their album since neither wears women’s underwear.  Ever.

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Read more about: The Spice Girls’ New “Spice Nicknames“

   

Charges Against Girls Gone Wild Dropped

Joe Francis, of Girls Gone Wild fame, was facing the firing range one month ago.  Two girls sued Francis for using nude footage of them without their permission.   Now, one month later, the two girls suing Francis have dropped all charges and issued an apology.  Ironically, footage of the girls consenting to being on camera was released online refuting any prior claims that their participation was non-consensual.  Their involvement was deemed entirely consensual since the video shows the two girls signing a Girls Gone Wild waiver with their vaginas.

Also read about: TI arrested for machine gun purchase.

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Britney and Princess Diana: Kindred Spirits?

Britney Spears has recently expressed concern that she faces the same destiny as Princess Diana.  She has filled one room of her house with photos, books, and other memorabilia of the late princess of Wales.  Britney has been spotted carrying a doll bearing a resemblance to Diana, and, according to one source, talks to it and asks it for advice.

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Britney has many things in common with Princess Diana.  Both were philanthropists with hearts of gold, both were wonderful with children, and both Britney and the beloved princess had their kooch photo documented more than a porn star.

Read more about pink-eye: Pink Eye For Diddy

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Look At Beyonce’s Boobs

Which of these two boobs is the best?  Is one bigger than the other?  Is one more prone to cancer than the other?  Which one does Jay-Z like better?  If one slips out, will we have six more weeks of winter?  Wait, that one doesn’t fit the ironic innuendo at all.

Read more about these two boobs:  Kanye West and 50 Cent 

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Nelly Furtado Has Blonde Hair (why)

Alicia: I’ve always wanted to meet you, Paris Hilton.

Nelly: I’m not Paris Hilton. Don’t you know me… maybe this will help. I’m like a biiird, I’ll only fly aw–

Alicia: Stop that, Paris Hilton! Damn. Maybe you should use that supercomputer on your wrist to time travel and rethink that song. And that wig.

Read more about another sexy blonde: Chris Crocker

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