Discoverer of DNA injects self with extra potent racist gene

James Watson’s DNA

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Geneticist James Watson, who discovered the structure of DNA, caused controversy after an interview when he said he was, “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa [because] all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours — whereas all the testing says not really.” To add insult to injury, he continued by saying that he hoped people were all equal but “people who have to deal with black employees find this not true… But then again, the people who work with me hope that I’m not a bigot but find this also not true.”

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Jackie Chan sings Olympic song

Chan has released several albums in China 

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Capitalizing on the success of the über-talented William Hung, Jackie Chan has been tapped to sing the official countdown song to the Beijing Olympics 2008.  Titled “We Are Ready,” producers were asked why they didn’t choose a less stiff title like “We’re Ready” instead.  “We thought about that and even tried having Jackie singing it that way.  But when he uses contractions, Jackie sounds a lot like a retard.”  When asked if there would be a Chinese version of the song, producer Peter Kam said, “Didn’t we just do that?” 

Kam’s manager explained to him that Chan is Chinese, but actually performed the song in English.  Following up, and slightly embarrassed, Kam said, “We are planning a Mandarin Chinese version of the song!  We plan on having over 100 Chinese pop stars singing it.”  When one reporter asked why so many artists citing that “We Are the World” only needed 35 pop stars, Kam said, “Yes.  But that was in English.  Fewer than 50 Chinese people singing together sounds a lot like metal smashing together.”

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Ryan Gosling, no. Mark Wahlberg, yes. Peter Jackson, feels the vibration

Jackson wants to (lovely) bone Wahlberg

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Reportedly, Peter Jackson has dropped Ryan Gosling from the movie The Lovely Bones.  Rumor has it that he was tossed from the picture because he gained too much weight, which he thought would help him portray the grieving father.  Jackson, who is a model of peak human physical condition, decided to hand the role over to former Calvin Kline underwear model Mark Wahlberg.  Jackson commented on his decision earlier today:  “I decided that the movie needed someone who could tackle the emotional aspects of the film as well as the stunts and action.”  One reporter mentioned the fact that The Lovely Bones is a tender-hearted drama about the murder of a young girl and wouldn’t require action or stunts.  To which Jackson replied, “Yes.  This is true.  But we’ve decided to go in another direction.  In our movie, the father will grieve at first, but then fight his way through the gates of Heaven and face ghastly CGI angels with broad swords.  Now, could that fatty Ryan Gosling do that?  I think no.  I told him to go make The Notebook 2. Sissy.”

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Seal and Heidi: sex on Oprah

Seal has facial scars.  And a big d… 

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On the Oprah Winfrey Show, Heidi Klum revealed that her first encounter with husband Seal wasn’t entirely innocent.  “I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow.  And I pretty much saw everything,” says Klum. “The whole package.”  Seal had worn bicycle shorts for his work out and clearly was not afraid of being exposed.  The couple began to chat there in the hotel lobby and one thing led to another.  “It was beautiful and romantic,” said Seal.  “Others may have found it inappropriate, but I think making love in public is an exquisite experience.  And clearly people didn’t mind because when I began singing Kiss From a Rose while doing Heidi from behind, we garnered quite a crowd.  Now, I couldn’t say if it was the sex or my music that drew them in, but I think we put on a good show.”

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Halle Berry’s Jew joke on Leno

Halle Berry is pregnant.  And a little anti-Semitic.

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On Jay Leno, Halle Berry let slip an anti-Semitic remark while showing photos of herself.  One distorted photo enhanced the size of her nose, and Halle commented, “Here’s where I look like my Jewish cousin!”  After the show, she realized her mistake and immediately made a public apology:

“We were going through pictures to see which ones looked silly, and one of my Jewish friends said [of the big-nose picture], ‘That could be your Jewish cousin!’ And I guess it was fresh in my mind, and it just came out of my mouth.”

After the press conference, media swarmed the Oscar winning beauty where she continued to push her apology, “I didn’t mean to offend anybody. I didn’t. I didn’t mean any harm.  I truly don’t have any negative feelings towards Jewish people,” she said.  “But I do think they killed Christ.”

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Paul McCartney’s new album: ‘Nursing Home Blues’

McCartney’s new boss:  his cell phone 

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Paul McCartney, who is coming up on his 107th birthday, has settled on a title for his next album.  His inspiration:  a cell phone.  After years of thought provoking album titles such as Strawberries, Oceans, Ships, Forrest; Flowers in the Dirt; and Back to the Egg, his latest album title is:  Memory Almost Full.  McCartney read the message on his cell phone and decided to use the phrase.  He said, “It seemed symbolic of our lives today.  Your messages are always full.  And your mind is full.  I think that we all need to delete stuff every so often.”  McCartney already has other albums in the works with predetermined titles for each.  In order by release date:  Hello Moto, You’ve Got Mail!, and Can You Hear Me Now?  Good.

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Tom Brady beats Dolphins, shocks reporters

Tom Brady likes football and scoring. 

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Tom Brady threw a team-record six touch downs leading to a victory over the Miami Dolphins.  Brady has been an incredible icon in the world of football.  An all American, handsome, cordial, California native, Brady has set the world of football on fire.  After his impressive win over the Dolphins, reporters swarmed Brady asking him question after question.  After one reporter asked, “What inspires you when you’re on the field?”  Brady silenced the crowd when he blurted out:  “My girlfriend’s vagina!”  After a very pregnant pause, the reporter asked, “Is that it?”  Brady did try to follow up, but still let most of the reporters down: “Oh God no!  Her breasts are fantastic, too.”

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