Confusion Leads to Incarceration.
Carter was arrested and jailed Thursday for marijuana possession after being pulled over for a routine speeding violation. The arresting officer said he probably would have let him go with a warning had Carter not been sporting a chin-pussy and a mullet.
Read more surprising drug arrests: Amy Winehouse
While the world explodes over Jamie Lynn Spears’ reported pregnancy, Lights Camera Caption has received exclusive information on the pregnancy scandal. The 16-year-old Zoey 101 star is not acutally pregnant. A phone message from Britney Spears to her younger sister was stumbled upon thanks to an illegal phone tapping and a little bribe money [all falling within normal work practices for the FBI].
Jamie Lynn and Britney have conspired to steal back Britney’s children from Kevin Federline. Through an experimental operation, Britney has arranged for Jamie Lynn to smuggle Sean Preston and Jayden James via her own vajayjay. They’re calling it reverse birth. Sort of like breast implants but much more natural! But unfortunately much less sexy.
Apparently in his pants.
Don’t get too close. He breaks noses with that thing.
Read more about people with a large entourage:
Mariah Carey has launched her debut fragrance, M. In this photo, Mariah shows off the smallest bottle available. Mariah commented on why her fragrance was sold in what some would call over-sized bottles:
“Mariah Carey’s fragrance comes only in 1/2 gallon bottles because Mariah Carey’s fragrance is bold, sensual, and big-breasted. Just like Mariah Carey, you get more than you would ever ask for. You will wear Mariah Carey’s fragrance until the bottle is empty and you will look at Mariah Carey’s breasts whether you want to or not.”
Read more in Music:
Unfortunately The Philanthropist, Paris Hilton’s reality show located in Rwanda, has been postponed. The foundation which was to fund the trip, Playing for Good, is supposedly restructuring. However an insider with the foundation reports exclusively to Lights Camera Caption that they postponed the trip after a preperatory meeting with Hilton. “We showed her some photos of Rwanda, and I swear to God, the first photo she saw of a little Rwandan boy, she said in that really throaty way, ‘Ew.'”
The foundation also decided they wanted a representative who was less interested in rape and bondage:
Paris in Repo! The Genetic Opera
James Watson’s DNA
Geneticist James Watson, who discovered the structure of DNA, caused controversy after an interview when he said he was, “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa [because] all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours — whereas all the testing says not really.” To add insult to injury, he continued by saying that he hoped people were all equal but “people who have to deal with black employees find this not true… But then again, the people who work with me hope that I’m not a bigot but find this also not true.”
Read more about racists:
Chan has released several albums in China
Capitalizing on the success of the über-talented William Hung, Jackie Chan has been tapped to sing the official countdown song to the Beijing Olympics 2008. Titled “We Are Ready,” producers were asked why they didn’t choose a less stiff title like “We’re Ready” instead. “We thought about that and even tried having Jackie singing it that way. But when he uses contractions, Jackie sounds a lot like a retard.” When asked if there would be a Chinese version of the song, producer Peter Kam said, “Didn’t we just do that?”
Kam’s manager explained to him that Chan is Chinese, but actually performed the song in English. Following up, and slightly embarrassed, Kam said, “We are planning a Mandarin Chinese version of the song! We plan on having over 100 Chinese pop stars singing it.” When one reporter asked why so many artists citing that “We Are the World” only needed 35 pop stars, Kam said, “Yes. But that was in English. Fewer than 50 Chinese people singing together sounds a lot like metal smashing together.”
Read more about highly-untalented singers: