Aaron Carter Jailed In Texas After Drug Arrest

Confusion Leads to Incarceration.   

Carter was arrested and jailed Thursday for marijuana possession after being pulled over for a routine speeding violation.  The arresting officer said he probably would have let him go with a warning had Carter not been sporting a chin-pussy and a mullet.

 Read more surprising drug arrests:  Amy Winehouse

Pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears’ Biggest Secret

 

 While the world explodes over Jamie Lynn Spears’ reported pregnancy, Lights Camera Caption has received exclusive information on the pregnancy scandal.  The 16-year-old Zoey 101 star is not acutally pregnant.  A phone message from Britney Spears to her younger sister was stumbled upon thanks to an illegal phone tapping and a little bribe money [all falling within normal work practices for the FBI]. 

Jamie Lynn and Britney have conspired to steal back Britney’s children from Kevin Federline.  Through an experimental operation, Britney has arranged for Jamie Lynn to smuggle Sean Preston and Jayden James via her own vajayjay.  They’re calling it reverse birth.  Sort of like breast implants but much more natural!  But unfortunately much less sexy.

Mario Lopez fights the policia

The police laughed at Mario Lopez until he crushed them with his giant ass muscle.  Then things weren’t so funny.

 

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Read more about giant ass muscles:

• J. Lo’s “Brave” album is the dumps (like a truck?)

Where does Adrian Grenier keep his “Entourage?”

Apparently in his pants.

Don’t get too close.  He breaks noses with that thing.

 

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Read more about people with a large entourage:

• Rick Solomon

Mariah Carey’s fragrance: Much like her breasts

Mariah Carey has launched her debut fragrance, M.  In this photo, Mariah shows off the smallest bottle available.  Mariah commented on why her fragrance was sold in what some would call over-sized bottles: 

 “Mariah Carey’s fragrance comes only in 1/2 gallon bottles because Mariah Carey’s fragrance is bold, sensual, and big-breasted.  Just like Mariah Carey, you get more than you would ever ask for.  You will wear Mariah Carey’s fragrance until the bottle is empty and you will look at Mariah Carey’s breasts whether you want to or not.”

 

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Read more in Music:

• Jackie Chan is a singer.  No really.

Paris and Rwanda: Psyche!

Unfortunately The Philanthropist, Paris Hilton’s reality show located in Rwanda, has been postponed.  The foundation which was to fund the trip, Playing for Good, is supposedly restructuring.  However an insider with the foundation reports exclusively to Lights Camera Caption that they postponed the trip after a preperatory meeting with Hilton.  “We showed her some photos of Rwanda, and I swear to God, the first photo she saw of a little Rwandan boy, she said in that really throaty way, ‘Ew.'”

The foundation also decided they wanted a representative who was less interested in rape and bondage:

Paris in Repo! The Genetic Opera

 

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Read more:

• Halle Berry’s Jew joke on Leno

Discoverer of DNA injects self with extra potent racist gene

James Watson’s DNA

Geneticist James Watson, who discovered the structure of DNA, caused controversy after an interview when he said he was, “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa [because] all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours — whereas all the testing says not really.” To add insult to injury, he continued by saying that he hoped people were all equal but “people who have to deal with black employees find this not true… But then again, the people who work with me hope that I’m not a bigot but find this also not true.”

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Read more about racists:

• Halle Berry’s Jew Joke on Leno
  

Jackie Chan sings Olympic song

Chan has released several albums in China 

 

Capitalizing on the success of the über-talented William Hung, Jackie Chan has been tapped to sing the official countdown song to the Beijing Olympics 2008.  Titled “We Are Ready,” producers were asked why they didn’t choose a less stiff title like “We’re Ready” instead.  “We thought about that and even tried having Jackie singing it that way.  But when he uses contractions, Jackie sounds a lot like a retard.”  When asked if there would be a Chinese version of the song, producer Peter Kam said, “Didn’t we just do that?” 

Kam’s manager explained to him that Chan is Chinese, but actually performed the song in English.  Following up, and slightly embarrassed, Kam said, “We are planning a Mandarin Chinese version of the song!  We plan on having over 100 Chinese pop stars singing it.”  When one reporter asked why so many artists citing that “We Are the World” only needed 35 pop stars, Kam said, “Yes.  But that was in English.  Fewer than 50 Chinese people singing together sounds a lot like metal smashing together.”

 

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Read more about highly-untalented singers:

• J. Lo’s “Brave” album tanks.  Hard.

Ryan Gosling, no. Mark Wahlberg, yes. Peter Jackson, feels the vibration

Jackson wants to (lovely) bone Wahlberg

Reportedly, Peter Jackson has dropped Ryan Gosling from the movie The Lovely Bones.  Rumor has it that he was tossed from the picture because he gained too much weight, which he thought would help him portray the grieving father.  Jackson, who is a model of peak human physical condition, decided to hand the role over to former Calvin Kline underwear model Mark Wahlberg.  Jackson commented on his decision earlier today:  “I decided that the movie needed someone who could tackle the emotional aspects of the film as well as the stunts and action.”  One reporter mentioned the fact that The Lovely Bones is a tender-hearted drama about the murder of a young girl and wouldn’t require action or stunts.  To which Jackson replied, “Yes.  This is true.  But we’ve decided to go in another direction.  In our movie, the father will grieve at first, but then fight his way through the gates of Heaven and face ghastly CGI angels with broad swords.  Now, could that fatty Ryan Gosling do that?  I think no.  I told him to go make The Notebook 2. Sissy.”

 

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Read more about  phatness  fatness:

• Tori Spelling is a beast

Seal and Heidi: sex on Oprah

Seal has facial scars.  And a big d… 

 

On the Oprah Winfrey Show, Heidi Klum revealed that her first encounter with husband Seal wasn’t entirely innocent.  “I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow.  And I pretty much saw everything,” says Klum. “The whole package.”  Seal had worn bicycle shorts for his work out and clearly was not afraid of being exposed.  The couple began to chat there in the hotel lobby and one thing led to another.  “It was beautiful and romantic,” said Seal.  “Others may have found it inappropriate, but I think making love in public is an exquisite experience.  And clearly people didn’t mind because when I began singing Kiss From a Rose while doing Heidi from behind, we garnered quite a crowd.  Now, I couldn’t say if it was the sex or my music that drew them in, but I think we put on a good show.”

 

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Read more:

• Tom Brady plays to score

• DNA discoverer injects self with extra potent racist gene

• Jackie Chan sings for the Olypics?